Why Would Someone Choose Mental Illness?

     Since receiving my diagnosis of Bipolar disorder, I have learned that there is still so much negativity about mental illness. People still believe stereotypes. Some people make cruel jokes, think it's funny. Don't get me wrong. I make jokes about myself all the time, but some people take it too far. Some people believe mental illnesses don't even exist. It's all in our heads. "If you just try harder, you could get past this." "If you just changed your attitude, you would feel better." "You don't need to take all that medication; all you need is a change of mind." People think we use mental illness as an excuse so we can be lazy, get away with stuff, or gain some sympathy. "You're choosing to feel this way." Really? Let me tell you how it felt when I first starting noticing my bipolar symptoms, before I was put on the right medication. This song does a good job. It's Monster by Skillet.

     "The secret side of me I never let you see." That's right. I didn't want anyone to see it. I didn't want anyone to think I was "going crazy" or that they needed to care for me. I didn't want to be a burden. I didn't want to be labelled. I'm still weary sometimes to tell people that I have bipolar disorder because I don't want them to automatically assume something about me. That shouldn't be the case. 

     "I keep it caged, and I can't control it." I tried to keep it all inside. Lock it up. It didn't work, and I think it made it worse. Not being able to be open about it was awful. There were times where everything did feel so out of control, and it was torture. 

     "So stay away from me; the beast is ugly. I feel the rage, and I just can't hold it." I pushed people away. I didn't want people to see me like that. Losing control of my life. I didn't know who I was, and I was afraid. I hated myself, and I was angry. I constantly questioned why this was happening to me. When would it end? 

     "It's scratching on the walls, in the closets, in the halls. It comes awake, and I can't control it. Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head. Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?" This illness surrounded me. It was everywhere. I couldn't get away from it. Doctors were of little help. I pretty much lost all hope.

     "I feel it deep within. It's just beneath the skin. I must confess that I feel like a monster. I hate what I've become. The nightmare's just begun." I felt like my mind, body, and spirit were being tortured. Sometimes I could literally feel my skin crawling. Voices screamed in my head. My thoughts would race. It penetrated deep down into who I was, made me question everything, took away the security of my mind.
     "It's hiding in the dark. It's teeth are razor sharp. There's no escape for me. It wants my soul; it wants my heart. No one can hear me scream. Maybe it's just a dream. Maybe it's inside of me. Stop this monster." Anytime things calmed down, I felt like it was always waiting. It was only a matter of time before it would start up again, and I'd be thrown into a hurricane. There really was no escape. I tried many things to see if they would provide an escape but to no avail. I felt like no one was listening, like the doctors. Everything they tried, failed. I just wanted it to stop!

     Tell me. Is this something you would choose? I doubt it. I sure didn't. For some reason, though, it chose me. Lucky for me, I'm on the right medication now, and I don't feel this way anymore. It's much better now. My life went from chaos and torture to functioning and downright awesome, if you ask me lol. I did  need medication, for those who say they aren't necessary. I was on countless medications that failed before finding this one that actually works. So you can't tell me they don't work. People with mental illnesses don't wish for them just like people with cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and other diseases don't wish for those either. Even though I didn't ask for this, I have learned to accept and deal with it. Bipolar disorder is a part of who I am, and I will have to deal with it for the rest of my life. I will always do my best to stay ahead of it and not let it get the best of me. It does not define who I am. I am not a diagnosis or a stereotype, and I will not be treated like one. I like and accept who I am. Why is it so hard for others to do that? 

The Unpredictable Nature of Bipolar Disorder

     I'm still learning just how variable this disease can be. You think I would have learned by now, but sometimes it can still surprise me. I have been on medication for this disorder for almost two years now; well, the right medication. While things have been a whole lot better, being on medication doesn't mean you're cured. For me, it means my mood episodes come less frequently and less intensely...but they still come. I've still experienced mild manic and depressive episodes. This is one of those times.
     A couple of weeks ago, I went up to Kansas to visit my best friend and "sister", Erin. We don't get to see each other very often. So when we do, it's special. When she or I have to leave from a visit, it makes me sad. I usually feel down for a few days to a week after our visits just because I miss her. This time was no different. I was sad I had to leave; that our time together had to end. However, my sadness lingered more than a week. It also started feeling more than just sadness. I started feeling stuck in a rut of which I found no purpose. I felt lonely. I was easily frustrated and irritated. I didn't want to be at work because it made me tired. I just wanted to get off work only to find that at home, there was nothing to do. Several days, I felt so unmotivated, I thought about calling into work and taking a personal day. I made myself go, though, because I knew staying home would only make it worse.
     Monday night was probably the worst. It started off good. I got to talk to Erin. That always makes me feel better. Then I took a walk around the park. I was doing good until about an hour and a half after I got home from the park. Something just hit me; I'm not sure from where. I was listening to music, and this is one instance where my bipolar disorder and autism collided. I was rocking back and forth, hands over my face. When I finally snapped out of it, I discovered I had been rocking so hard that I was making my bed shake. I laid down and started crying. I broke down and had a good meltdown of a cry. The next two days at work were rough. It was hard to be there for the kids. I just had no energy, no motivation to be there.
     As I'm writing this, though, I'm feeling much better. I got to talk to Erin again. We talked for probably two hours or so. It was great. We talked about life, our families, our current struggles, our friendship, and just being silly. She always makes me feel so much better. I'm lucky to have her in my life and part of my support. She has helped and watched me go through some of the most difficult times of my life so far, and I appreciate it so much.
     All in all, I'm still learning about my disease and how it affects me. This is why bipolar disorder requires monitoring and treatment for the rest of the person's life. It never really goes away. There's not cure. Medication only helps lessen the symptoms. Also, by educating myself more, I better prepared to handle a manic or depressive episode when it comes.

Essential Oils

     This post could have also gone on my autism blog, but I decided to put it on this one. Recently, I've started using essential oils as a natural remedy from the many symptoms of my conditions. I've heard good things about essential oils recently, and I thought I'd give them a try.
     Most of my oils come from the company DoTerra. I have one called DigestZen. It helps alleviate some of my digestive symptoms, such as bloating and stomach pain. I'm also hoping it will help with what I believe is Irritable Bowel Syndrome, a consequence of my food intolerances. I still have to avoid gluten and dairy foods but at least this oil helps. I also use Lavender and a calming blend to help me sleep. I diffuse the Lavender around the room then rub the Calming oil on my forehead. Since I've started doing this, I've been able to stop taking 2 of my 5 prescription medications! Plus, it helps me calm down after a long day :) On occasion, when I'm feeling stressed or anxious during the day, I will have a quick inhale of the Calming blend or rub a little behind my ears. Another oil I use is a blend called Balance. This one is from DoTerra, and they recommend it for Bipolar Disorder. It is good for regulating emotions and balancing the mind, hence the name. It also improves focus and clarity so I use it when I'm feeling brain fog or can't concentrate. The last one is Peppermint oil. I use this one as needed for migraines after I read it can relieve pain, especially migraines. I still have to take prescription medication (for now) to prevent migraines. But when I do get one, I dilute the Peppermint oil in olive oil and rub it on my temples down my jaw line. Then I rub some on my forehead. It's wonderful! 
     Essential oils are working wonders for me. Like I said, I've already been able to go off two of my medications. I hope to get off more of them sometime in the near future. I may also be using more essential oils now that I know they really work. DoTerra is an awesome company. Their website has a link where you can click on a specific disease or ailment you need relief from, and they give you a list of oils and a protocol they recommend for using them. If you haven't tried essential oils, I suggest you give them a try. They are amazing and so much better and safer than prescription medications.  

Bipolar Medications

     For my bipolar disorder, I take a mood stabilizer (probably like many other people with the disorder). Mine is called Lamictal. I have found out something interesting with this medication...and possibly with all medications used for bipolar disorder. You have to take these things every single day Lol. You can't skip a day at all. At least I can't. Understand, I've never intentionally missed a day. However, there have been days I've forgotten to take it. You ever do that? I once told someone about the people with ADHD who can take their medication on the weekdays for school or work and then take a break on the weekends. I can't even do that. I have before; again, not intentionally. I can't go off this medication for even a day, let alone two.
     It's not too dramatic when I miss a dose, but I definitely notice. I notice it more as the day goes on too, since I take my medication in the morning. When I don't take it for a day, I can get emotional. Some random, seemingly insignificant thing can make me cry or get me upset. Sometimes, I get annoyed or angry at things that shouldn't make me angry. When I don't take it for two days in a row, I'm more prone to the anger and an irritable mood. I'm edgy and any little thing could set off. It's just not a fun day. Now, have I ever hurt anyone? No. Have I ever yelled at anyone? No; except when driving, but who doesn't do that Lol. Just because a person has bipolar disorder and gets angry, it doesn't mean we get violent or aggressive too. I don't know what happens beyond two days of not taking medication, and I really don't plan to in the near future Lol
   

Caught in a Hurricane: Where it All Started

This blog is about my life with Bipolar Disorder. It'll be similar to my blog I have about my life with Asperger syndrome. My posts will describe what it's like, from one person's perspective, to live with a bipolar disorder. This disorder, I've learned, still has a lot of negativity attached to it. It's not fair. Many of us are afraid to tell others we have this disorder because we are often seen as crazy. We aren't. We are people, just like everyone else. This is an illness that we didn't ask for, just like people don't ask for cancer, heart disease, or diabetes. With that said, here's my story of how it all began.
My first semester in college started out great. I made a few friends and one really good friend. I liked my classes and was doing pretty well academically. I connected with a local church organization, and it was great. However, within a couple of months, things changed. I couldn't sleep and then would be tired during the day. I had to drag myself to class. I sat in class hardly able to concentrate, just trying to make it through so I could go back to my room. I could barely do my classwork, and I felt empty and apathetic. One of my professors suggested I see the on-campus psychologist. I did, and he told me I was suffering from a major depression episode. He referred me to the on-campus doctor where I could get an anti-depression medication. It would be the first of many medications to fail to help me.
By December of that semester, I was suicidal. I had a plan and everything. Two of friends found out though and busted me. We had a nice long talk. An appointment was made for me to see a psychiatrist. Before my appointment, I started feeling a little better as far as mood went. However, I was hearing things. I would hear voices shouting; not at me, just at each other. It wasn't like schizophrenia where the voices tell you to do dangerous things. I just heard them. By the time I saw the psychiatrist, he put me in the hospital...IMMEDIATELY. He took me off my medication and put me on three new ones; an anti-depressant, an anti-anxiety, and an anti-psychotic. I asked him if he thought I was schizophrenic. He said no, but that I was having hallucinations because my mind was so stressed. I was there for 5 days...5 boring days.
These would be just some of the medications to have awful side effects, causing uncontrollable restlessness, worsened hallucinations, severe leg pain, sedation, etc. 
Over the next couple of years, I would have medications that would make me throw up, worsen my symptoms, cause pains, or just didn't work. One medication has caused a seemingly permanent movement disorder, called tardive dyskinesia. It causes my muscles to twitch almost constantly; my body can't be still. My mind was also in so much torture. I went through bouts of recurring depression that made me feel hopeless, anxious, empty, apathetic, sad, and angry. I also had bouts of overwhelming restlessness when I wasn't depressed. I didn't know what it was. I had so much energy I couldn't stand it. It's like my skin, muscles, even my blood were crawling. My thoughts would race, and I couldn't keep up. I couldn't concentrate, and I could survive on little or no sleep. I had recurring trouble with using weed, which now I know was linked to the mania. Anything to make it stop. 
I got so fed up. Nobody could help. Nobody could make it stop. Everything they tried failed. I got to the point I was willing to try extreme treatment, like electroshock therapy. It wasn't until I got a new team of doctors that things changed. They actually listened to what I was telling them about ALL my symptoms; not just the depression part. They put me on a mood stabilizer, suggesting it could be bipolar. Within a couple of months, I finally felt like myself again. I felt better than I had felt in years. They did it. They finally found it. Now, after two years of the same medication, I have a steady job, am making the Dean's list, and live on my own. My mind isn't torturing anymore. Am I saying everything is completely gone? No. Otherwise, I wouldn't be writing this blog LOL. However, I no longer feel like I'm being sucked into the whirlpool of a hurricane.