I'm still learning just how variable this disease can be. You think I would have learned by now, but sometimes it can still surprise me. I have been on medication for this disorder for almost two years now; well, the right medication. While things have been a whole lot better, being on medication doesn't mean you're cured. For me, it means my mood episodes come less frequently and less intensely...but they still come. I've still experienced mild manic and depressive episodes. This is one of those times.
A couple of weeks ago, I went up to Kansas to visit my best friend and "sister", Erin. We don't get to see each other very often. So when we do, it's special. When she or I have to leave from a visit, it makes me sad. I usually feel down for a few days to a week after our visits just because I miss her. This time was no different. I was sad I had to leave; that our time together had to end. However, my sadness lingered more than a week. It also started feeling more than just sadness. I started feeling stuck in a rut of which I found no purpose. I felt lonely. I was easily frustrated and irritated. I didn't want to be at work because it made me tired. I just wanted to get off work only to find that at home, there was nothing to do. Several days, I felt so unmotivated, I thought about calling into work and taking a personal day. I made myself go, though, because I knew staying home would only make it worse.
Monday night was probably the worst. It started off good. I got to talk to Erin. That always makes me feel better. Then I took a walk around the park. I was doing good until about an hour and a half after I got home from the park. Something just hit me; I'm not sure from where. I was listening to music, and this is one instance where my bipolar disorder and autism collided. I was rocking back and forth, hands over my face. When I finally snapped out of it, I discovered I had been rocking so hard that I was making my bed shake. I laid down and started crying. I broke down and had a good meltdown of a cry. The next two days at work were rough. It was hard to be there for the kids. I just had no energy, no motivation to be there.
As I'm writing this, though, I'm feeling much better. I got to talk to Erin again. We talked for probably two hours or so. It was great. We talked about life, our families, our current struggles, our friendship, and just being silly. She always makes me feel so much better. I'm lucky to have her in my life and part of my support. She has helped and watched me go through some of the most difficult times of my life so far, and I appreciate it so much.
All in all, I'm still learning about my disease and how it affects me. This is why bipolar disorder requires monitoring and treatment for the rest of the person's life. It never really goes away. There's not cure. Medication only helps lessen the symptoms. Also, by educating myself more, I better prepared to handle a manic or depressive episode when it comes.
