For my bipolar disorder, I take a mood stabilizer (probably like many other people with the disorder). Mine is called Lamictal. I have found out something interesting with this medication...and possibly with all medications used for bipolar disorder. You have to take these things every single day Lol. You can't skip a day at all. At least I can't. Understand, I've never intentionally missed a day. However, there have been days I've forgotten to take it. You ever do that? I once told someone about the people with ADHD who can take their medication on the weekdays for school or work and then take a break on the weekends. I can't even do that. I have before; again, not intentionally. I can't go off this medication for even a day, let alone two.
It's not too dramatic when I miss a dose, but I definitely notice. I notice it more as the day goes on too, since I take my medication in the morning. When I don't take it for a day, I can get emotional. Some random, seemingly insignificant thing can make me cry or get me upset. Sometimes, I get annoyed or angry at things that shouldn't make me angry. When I don't take it for two days in a row, I'm more prone to the anger and an irritable mood. I'm edgy and any little thing could set off. It's just not a fun day. Now, have I ever hurt anyone? No. Have I ever yelled at anyone? No; except when driving, but who doesn't do that Lol. Just because a person has bipolar disorder and gets angry, it doesn't mean we get violent or aggressive too. I don't know what happens beyond two days of not taking medication, and I really don't plan to in the near future Lol
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Caught in a Hurricane: Where it All Started
This blog is about my life with Bipolar Disorder. It'll be similar to my blog I have about my life with Asperger syndrome. My posts will describe what it's like, from one person's perspective, to live with a bipolar disorder. This disorder, I've learned, still has a lot of negativity attached to it. It's not fair. Many of us are afraid to tell others we have this disorder because we are often seen as crazy. We aren't. We are people, just like everyone else. This is an illness that we didn't ask for, just like people don't ask for cancer, heart disease, or diabetes. With that said, here's my story of how it all began.
My first semester in college started out great. I made a few friends and one really good friend. I liked my classes and was doing pretty well academically. I connected with a local church organization, and it was great. However, within a couple of months, things changed. I couldn't sleep and then would be tired during the day. I had to drag myself to class. I sat in class hardly able to concentrate, just trying to make it through so I could go back to my room. I could barely do my classwork, and I felt empty and apathetic. One of my professors suggested I see the on-campus psychologist. I did, and he told me I was suffering from a major depression episode. He referred me to the on-campus doctor where I could get an anti-depression medication. It would be the first of many medications to fail to help me.
By December of that semester, I was suicidal. I had a plan and everything. Two of friends found out though and busted me. We had a nice long talk. An appointment was made for me to see a psychiatrist. Before my appointment, I started feeling a little better as far as mood went. However, I was hearing things. I would hear voices shouting; not at me, just at each other. It wasn't like schizophrenia where the voices tell you to do dangerous things. I just heard them. By the time I saw the psychiatrist, he put me in the hospital...IMMEDIATELY. He took me off my medication and put me on three new ones; an anti-depressant, an anti-anxiety, and an anti-psychotic. I asked him if he thought I was schizophrenic. He said no, but that I was having hallucinations because my mind was so stressed. I was there for 5 days...5 boring days.
These would be just some of the medications to have awful side effects, causing uncontrollable restlessness, worsened hallucinations, severe leg pain, sedation, etc.
Over the next couple of years, I would have medications that would make me throw up, worsen my symptoms, cause pains, or just didn't work. One medication has caused a seemingly permanent movement disorder, called tardive dyskinesia. It causes my muscles to twitch almost constantly; my body can't be still. My mind was also in so much torture. I went through bouts of recurring depression that made me feel hopeless, anxious, empty, apathetic, sad, and angry. I also had bouts of overwhelming restlessness when I wasn't depressed. I didn't know what it was. I had so much energy I couldn't stand it. It's like my skin, muscles, even my blood were crawling. My thoughts would race, and I couldn't keep up. I couldn't concentrate, and I could survive on little or no sleep. I had recurring trouble with using weed, which now I know was linked to the mania. Anything to make it stop.
I got so fed up. Nobody could help. Nobody could make it stop. Everything they tried failed. I got to the point I was willing to try extreme treatment, like electroshock therapy. It wasn't until I got a new team of doctors that things changed. They actually listened to what I was telling them about ALL my symptoms; not just the depression part. They put me on a mood stabilizer, suggesting it could be bipolar. Within a couple of months, I finally felt like myself again. I felt better than I had felt in years. They did it. They finally found it. Now, after two years of the same medication, I have a steady job, am making the Dean's list, and live on my own. My mind isn't torturing anymore. Am I saying everything is completely gone? No. Otherwise, I wouldn't be writing this blog LOL. However, I no longer feel like I'm being sucked into the whirlpool of a hurricane.
My first semester in college started out great. I made a few friends and one really good friend. I liked my classes and was doing pretty well academically. I connected with a local church organization, and it was great. However, within a couple of months, things changed. I couldn't sleep and then would be tired during the day. I had to drag myself to class. I sat in class hardly able to concentrate, just trying to make it through so I could go back to my room. I could barely do my classwork, and I felt empty and apathetic. One of my professors suggested I see the on-campus psychologist. I did, and he told me I was suffering from a major depression episode. He referred me to the on-campus doctor where I could get an anti-depression medication. It would be the first of many medications to fail to help me.
By December of that semester, I was suicidal. I had a plan and everything. Two of friends found out though and busted me. We had a nice long talk. An appointment was made for me to see a psychiatrist. Before my appointment, I started feeling a little better as far as mood went. However, I was hearing things. I would hear voices shouting; not at me, just at each other. It wasn't like schizophrenia where the voices tell you to do dangerous things. I just heard them. By the time I saw the psychiatrist, he put me in the hospital...IMMEDIATELY. He took me off my medication and put me on three new ones; an anti-depressant, an anti-anxiety, and an anti-psychotic. I asked him if he thought I was schizophrenic. He said no, but that I was having hallucinations because my mind was so stressed. I was there for 5 days...5 boring days.
These would be just some of the medications to have awful side effects, causing uncontrollable restlessness, worsened hallucinations, severe leg pain, sedation, etc.
Over the next couple of years, I would have medications that would make me throw up, worsen my symptoms, cause pains, or just didn't work. One medication has caused a seemingly permanent movement disorder, called tardive dyskinesia. It causes my muscles to twitch almost constantly; my body can't be still. My mind was also in so much torture. I went through bouts of recurring depression that made me feel hopeless, anxious, empty, apathetic, sad, and angry. I also had bouts of overwhelming restlessness when I wasn't depressed. I didn't know what it was. I had so much energy I couldn't stand it. It's like my skin, muscles, even my blood were crawling. My thoughts would race, and I couldn't keep up. I couldn't concentrate, and I could survive on little or no sleep. I had recurring trouble with using weed, which now I know was linked to the mania. Anything to make it stop.
I got so fed up. Nobody could help. Nobody could make it stop. Everything they tried failed. I got to the point I was willing to try extreme treatment, like electroshock therapy. It wasn't until I got a new team of doctors that things changed. They actually listened to what I was telling them about ALL my symptoms; not just the depression part. They put me on a mood stabilizer, suggesting it could be bipolar. Within a couple of months, I finally felt like myself again. I felt better than I had felt in years. They did it. They finally found it. Now, after two years of the same medication, I have a steady job, am making the Dean's list, and live on my own. My mind isn't torturing anymore. Am I saying everything is completely gone? No. Otherwise, I wouldn't be writing this blog LOL. However, I no longer feel like I'm being sucked into the whirlpool of a hurricane.
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